Infertile? ... Update on our Journey

Infertility;
Inability to conceive; Unable to get pregnant

Primary infertility describes couples who have never been able to become pregnant after at least 1 year of unprotected sex (intercourse).

I googled Infertility because I wanted to add a photo to this blog and that definition is what came up (before I hit "images")

Anyway it struck me because today this defines us. When we first started this journey last July we decided to take it slow, we knew going into this that we would have some struggle but we thought we were prepared. Well now that 12 months have passed, we are each a year older, and we've seen how hard this can be. We've decided to take a more active role in Trying to concieve. Since we started TTC I have only recorded ovulation twice. Dam PCOS!! During one of those ovulation times we got our BFP, but it was short lived. I discussed all this with my OB and we've all decided to start clomid. I had my HSG and except for some cramping it went ok, and my tubes are all clear, yay! Josue still doesn't want to do a SA just yet but he has all the paperwork for when he is ready. I also had my pre-clomid u/s which went well, so I started my prometrium to induce a period and hopefully we will start clomid to induce ovulation in the next day or so.

;)

HMO vs PPO and Infertility

As long as I can remember I've had an HMO. I had a PPO as a kid, but I don't really know much about it. Once we started TTC we looked into our pregnancy/baby benefits with Aetna HMO. We thought it sounded great, it was only going to cost 250.00 for the whole pregnancy/delivery. I was very content even though Claim Jumper had just bumped up our insurance cost 300.00 dollars a month.

Then last month we were told that the Landry's Company (the owners of the Restaurant where J works) were switching us all to United Health Care PPO (only). I was worried that we were going to have to spend so much more money, I always thought PPO's were for rich people, and we are far from rich. I love my HMO doctor, so I had no interest in a PPO "so I could pick any doctor" The HMO of course wouldn't pay for any infertility testing or procedures but neither will my new PPO. I seriously couldn't find one good thing about this new insurance. It is costing us 100.00 more per month, we have a huge out of pocket yearly max, and a deductible that isn't cheap! After looking into our new benefits I freaked out! It is going to cost us 3,000 dollars to have a baby! and even more if we need a c-section.

Once I got over the fact that this is what we have, and we're just going to have to take it. I also tried to be grateful that we have insurance at all. I know so many people that just go without it. I talked to friends about it and got some good information. My Boss and some others even convinced me that a PPO will be good for us because I can go to any hospital, and in emergency situations you get much better care. Sad but true.



Anyway there is a good point to my long story. I work at a whole health medical clinic. Kinda like in the show Private Practice. We have a GP, an OB/GYN, and an RD,  we even are starting a preventative weight loss program.  It is a great working environment, and I am constantly learning. After work last week my Boss and I were discussing my new insurance predicament. She told me that I can see our OB/GYN if I wanted to. I felt a little awkward at first but he is so awesome that you just immediately feel comfortable with him. He told me that if I wanted to he would be more than happy to help Jand I get pregnant. I could be his patient and he wouldn't charge me, he would just bill to the insurance. If we choose to have him deliver our baby we get to deliver at Huntington Hospital in Pasadena, which I hear is very nice :) How amazing is this!? This would never even be a possibilty if I still had the HMO. It's funny how God works in this way sometimes. You think you want one thing but he tells you that you need the other thing. I realize we may not get pregnant right away but after trying for 11 months I needed some new motivation. This good news is exactly what I needed. When you have your husband poking at your ovaries and asking them to start working and you lose your chance at carrying a baby to term your spirit gets crushed, you need some new found sprirt. I found some recently and I am so grateful.

So here's hoping for a spring baby!
Ok So maybe that wasn't the best title it should be more like Daniella ramblings about insurance etc, but I was trying to be catchy.

It was over before it started...

I'm going to talk about something today that I never thought I would open up about on the Internet, but I opened up with an IRL friend recently and it has really helped me deal. I've also seen some of my friends share their troubles online and it seems to have helped them. So I'm giving it a shot.

Last July at my complete physical I spoke to my physician about trying to have a child. She informed me that with having PCOS it would be tough and may take a while, but there are options and things to try. I liked that she was honest with me so we knew what to expect. My husband and I started on what might be a long journey. We still feel (and are!) young so we told ourselves we weren't in any hurry but would take a child when God blessed us with one.

Fast forward to March; Josue and I were still wanting to trust God's timing but we were also realizing the reality of how hard this was going to be. I had an ultrasound to take a look at my uterus & ovaries and found that I had quite a bit of cysts. So my Doctor decided to put me on a medication called Metformin. Traditionally this medication is for diabetics but for some reason having to do with insulin it seems to help patients with PCOS as well. It seems to be working well, I've lost 12 pounds and ovulated right away!

Now this next part is something I haven't shared with anyone not even my closest friends or family, only Josue and I know. As much as I love my Mother and usually share everything with her I'm glad she doesn't read this blog, she doesn't exactly support our decision to start a family "so soon" and I know she would be sad to hear this. (Mom if you ever do read this I know you love me, and would be very happy to have your first grandchild. I love you!). So anyway back to my story... On Sunday April 10th I decided just for fun to take a pregnancy test, I thought there would be no way that it would be positive but since I was 15 days past my first (metformin) cycle I would just try it. I couldn't believe my eyes...it was positive! Just to be sure I used a digital to confirm and it was also 'pregnant'

I had this gift all wrapped up and ready to go to give to Josue for just this moment. (It is a box with a baby blanket and an I love you Daddy T-Shirt) I didn't even get a chance to give it to him cause I came bouncing out of the bathroom with the pee stick! We were both so happy, anxious. and scared all at once!

It wasn't even 48 hours later when I woke up bleeding, I knew it in my heart that it was over, over before I even let myself tell anyone, over before we even got to be truly happy about it, just over! I had what we call in the medical world a Chemical Pregnancy. Being a nurse I knew what it was, I think that made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing. The baby didn't even have a heartbeat yet, and if I'm being honest it wasn't even a baby yet. If I hadn't been checking I wouldn't even had know I was ever pregnant and just had thought I go my period. I was sad, hurt, and angry all at once. Why wasn't I able to hold on to my baby? What was wrong with me? I was almost embarrassed to tell Josue. He is such a wonderful man though. He told me it wasn't my fault (which was exactly what I needed to hear) he held me and just let me cry. I know he was sad too, but he was strong and told me we always had another chance. I now try to look at it as positively as possible and try to realize it wasn't our time, God has different plans for us. It was hard but we have started again, and as always we hope for the best.

A friend of mine posted this picture on her blog, and I just loved it!

I think I may continue to share how I/we are feeling and dealing with trying to start a family. It hasn't yet been a year yet that we started this journey, and I know that other's have had far more struggle and I hope that my blog doesn't offend anyone. For now I just know that we are taking it day by day, trying to stay as positive as possible and know that God has a plan for us.

The friends that I mentioned before that have opened up online about similar issues are an inspiration to me. Not that I could ever imagine having to go through some of their losses, or that I could fully understand the others that are trying to get pregnant, but that I was inspired to share my struggle to get pregnant because their blog entries meant so much to me.